You Know Moore

Glad You Asked: April 1 edition

Wed, 01 Apr 2009 19:45:00 GMT

Today is a special, online-only version of Glad You Asked.

Any truth to the rumor that a Red Lobster will move into the Sam’s Club building when it closes?

Apparently I’ve inherited the running Red Lobster joke between my predecessor and readers starved for chain seafood.

No, there will be no Red Lobster in that nearly 118,000-square-foot building at 6200 Regency West Drive. Even better, it will house a Red Lobster Academy.

Restaurant patrons used to picking their lobster out of a tank in the lobby will see a new treat. Instead, they will be able to pick from a shallow, Olympic-sized swimming pool teeming with lobsters. They will train there until ready to be cooked.

"We’re going to work them hard to make sure our customers get the leanest, meanest lobsters in captivity," said Mongo Pincher, conditioning coach for the crustacean division. "No, wait, don’t say ‘captivity’ or PETA will be all over us."

Waitresses said light-tippers will be encouraged to take a lengthy dip in the pool. Coincidentally, the pool has been exempted from the usual building-code requirements to have exit ladders.

In another part of the facility, separate fresh-water and salt-water ponds will be set up for people to catch their own fish. In order to maximize the chances of hooking the desired fish, they’ll be color-coded (i.e. bluefish dyed blue, whitefish dyed white).

To provide a truly lifelike experience, the salt-water pond will occasionally be raided by former Somali pirates now hired as nightly performers. In the fresh-water pond, miniature power plants will both heat the pool and pump mercury back in.

The proposal by Pipe Dreams Ltd., a developer based in Atlantis, still must receive approval from the City Council, Plan Commission, North American Whaling Commission, former Olympian Michael Phelps and Charlie the Tuna.

Consider yourself fooled.

Caption contest: A Tiger in the desert

Mon, 25 Aug 2008 15:37:36 GMT

Last week's photo was the Olympian kissing the weight bar. Captioners came out clean, with no jerks (lifters, that awful pun is for you).

Top honors go to mortimer, with: "Here is photographic evidence of the Canadian weightlifter trying to cheat by using inflatable barbells."

I was sure something would come out of the Dems' convention, but this one was too good to pass up. Back to politics next week, maybe.

REAL CAPTION: Tiger Woods unveils his ambitious project: a luxury golf course hewn from the sands of the Arabian desert. It would be built on the outskirts of Dubai, United Arab Emirates. Looking over the model are two leaders of the project: Khalid Al Malik, left, and Abdulla Al Gurg. Residences at The Tiger Woods Dubai will include 22 palaces, 75 mansions, and 100 signature villas. (AP Photo / Aziz Shah)

Caption contest: Embracing the weight

Mon, 18 Aug 2008 16:49:09 GMT

Not much to work with, I admit, but captioners did OK with the photo of two guys (one strategically placed behind the other) preparing the ring for an ancient form of wrestling.

LEROYBEANS takes top spot, with "and the emisions on clem are alot less than that old tractor, but the smell is a whole different story." Honorable mention to AvengingAngel and Underdog.

Here's the next. Remember to lift with the legs.

REAL CAPTION: Jeane Lassen, of Canada, kisses the barbell after failing a lift in the women's weightlifting competition at the Olympics in Beijing on Aug. 15. Lassen finished 8th overall. (AP Photo/Andres Leighton)

Caption contest: Cage match

Mon, 04 Aug 2008 16:07:48 GMT

Captioners gnawed on a photo of a fish-biting pedicure last time. AvengingAngel finished No. 1 with "Warner Bros. unveiled the movie poster for the upcoming release of 'Piranha 5, the spawning'."

Catch22 (no fishing pun intended) got honorable mention. Now grapple with this week's pic.

REAL CAPTION: Pakistani Kushti wrestlers prepare the soil in the ring at the Champion Khalu Behalwan wrestling club in the Old City of Lahore, Pakistan, on Aug. 2. Kushti, an Indo-Pakistani form of wrestling, is several thousand years old and is a national sport in Pakistan. (AP Photo/Emilio Morenatti)

Caption contest: Fishy feet

Mon, 21 Jul 2008 17:18:14 GMT

Last time, drewzepmeister rode the magic bus to victory on the photo of the car stuck in the pool. The caption: "Rock star Keith Moon was here", a reference to The Who's late drummer who actually did that.

More water antics now. Bring your scuba gear!

REAL CAPTION: Tracy Roberts, 33, of Rockville, Md. has her toes nibbled on by a type of carp called garra rufa, or doctor fish, during a fish pedicure treatment at Yvonne Hair and Nails salon in Alexandria, Va., on July 17. (AP Photo/Jacquelyn Martin)

Excuses to get out of paying?

Wed, 09 Jul 2008 20:32:23 GMT

OK, the story of the guy faking heart attacks to get out of paying the restaurant bill fascinates me. That's a long way to go to save a few bucks on a raspberry lemonade and a house sirloin.

Has anyone seen or used outrageous excuses to get out of paying a bill? I've talked to a few waitresses, and I'm sure there are other great stories out there.

Caption contest: Four-wheel swim

Mon, 07 Jul 2008 16:44:18 GMT

Even with a couple of weeks to stew over the photo of potentially sickly tomatoes, captioners mostly just veg-ed out. Top honors go to DBomb, who saw brains rather than 'maters. Undersized brains of politicians and celebrities "that are believed to be the origin of the idiocracy gene."

REAL CAPTION: A red Mazda Miata sits at the bottom of the family swimming pool in Stewartstown, Pa., on June 30. Kim Taylor thought she had set the emergency brake. But her wayward red convertible rolled downhill, crashed through a fence and plunged into her neighbors' in-ground pool. (AP Photo/Courtesy Ashley Campasino)