Local dad writes: "My daughter was touched at school"
Posted by:
eyoung on
May 7, 2008 at
9:49AM EST
I’m posting this for a local dad who shall remain anonymous …
The first phone call made me laugh.
It was a teacher from my 5-year-old daughter’s pre-school. I was at work. Another little girl stuck her hands in my daughter’s pants for a few seconds, the teacher explained.
I told a co-worker and we burst out laughing over how crazy things have become today – teachers calling to report kids playing doctor.
But then things started happening that made me nervous. First, we were on a family trip when we got call from a police detective. He wanted us to know the preschool had reported the incident and we had the right to pursue it. To pursue it? To pursue what? A couple of little kids sticking hands into ears or noses or pants or wherever? Who cares?
Next, we sat down and discussed the situation with our daughter. It turns out the other girl, also about 5, told her not to tell.
We started to wonder what this all means. Then, as we were spending a few days figuring out how we felt about it, it happened again.
This time, it was in the bathroom at school. The other girl approached my daughter and rubbed her underwear on her ankle.
With this, we started to consider pulling her out of school and sending her elsewhere. But it’s not that simple. She loves it there. Her friends are there. Plus, she starts kindergarten in a few months and we’re not looking to start over with another preschool right before such a big transition.
We’re not sure if we’re overreacting or under reacting.
We’ve made the school aware of our concerns. They’ve agreed to mostly split the kids into two different classes. We’re continuing to send her to school and teaching her to say “no.” We figure she’s a girl. She’s going to have to learn how to say “no” eventually. She might as well learn now.
I would be worried the other child is being molested and this is why she is mimicking the behavior. I guess I would want to talk to the other parent and make sure they are aware of the situation and yes I would separate the girls so nothing further happens.
I have a daughter in preschool also, and I don't know what I'd do. However, I have to say that it sounds like the little girl who is doing the touching might be getting abused at home. I hope someone is looking into this. It makes me worry to hear that a 4 or 5 year old child is touching others inappropriately and then saying, "Don't tell." That is most probably a learned behavior. How horrible.
I am concerned about the little girl that keeps doing this. Has someone done this to her or is it just curious. Your daughter will most likely be ok, but you might want to have a little chat with her, just see she understands that it is ok to say no and stop. The best of luck goes out to you.
Oh heck no!!!!!!!!!!! NO ONE AND I MEAN NO ONE HAS THE RIGHT TO TOUCH ANOTHER IN THE PRIVATES. This just makes me wonder what has happened to the other little girl to make her this way? She needs counseling right away, what if she's being abused? I went through something similar with my son. Another boy at his school was touching him and also told him not to tell; but luckily I have told my son about good touches and bad touches and he told me right away. The school counselor was made aware of it and the whole situation was addressed in a hush hush manor to protect the kids. I wasn't aloud to talk to the other kid's parents but I am suspicious of them because the kid was pulled out of my son's school soon after the incident came to light. I feel bad for the other kid I still strongly feel that something has happened to him, if not why was he pulled out right away?
I would have the good touch bad touch talk with you daughter and let her no It's OK to say NO and it's very OK to tell on any one that does this to her!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Nothing about this is funny to me…………………………..
WOW, That's a tough one. Lets think about it. The 1st time the girl said "don't tell anyone". I understand kids playing Dr. and all but you have to ask yourself, was this someting learned or done to this girl by someone else? Very valid/scary question. Was "this other girl" talked to about this situation? Or are they just going to see/watch if it keeps happening. Well it did, one more time that we know of.
A very good time to talk to your daughter about wrong touching and when to say "NO" very loudly so others hear.
If it happened again I would have a hard time not pulling my kid out of that school. Young kids adapt and make new friends easily, I wouldn't worry about that. There are much biggger concerns here.
You guys all sound like broken records. "Hey, I wonder if this is happening to the girl who is doing this?" Don't you read the others comments before you blog? At any rate, I certainly hope she is not being abused at home.
Hey Shadow. It just so happens there was nothing posted when I wrote mine....when I clicked on post comment all of the other ones ahead of me showed up.............I guess we all had the same thoughts at the same time..............
The fact that this happened to your daughter is sad. the reality is that if the other child knew to ask your daughter not to say anything, means that she intended to do something she "knew" was wrong, or-she was mimicking something someone else had told her. Upon this occurring, the school is obligated (as mandated reporters) to notify the police and access (crisis) So, hopefully with the follow through the girl you did the touching will be investigasted and examined as well.
What makes you think that this won't happen at a different school? Kids do strange things everywhere... sounds tho like this child needs more supervision so she can't get into these predicaments, and she needs to be removed from preschool if the incidents continue. Sounds like the school is handling it appropriately, good for them!
There is no problem;YET!!! However, now is the time to act and to act aggressively until you get all the questions answered. The little girl doing the touching is possibly and probably being molested by someone who told her NOT TO TELL. A child who is 5-6 years old would not know to say this or that it is wrong.Asimilar situation happened a few years ago when a young child was only saying things that implied that she was being molested . After a thorough investigation, it was confirmed that she was being molested by the babysitter.So do follow up on it just to be sure. You will never be able to erase the emotional scars if something happens to your child.
Huck, Are you talking to me?? I've never talked to you or about you in these blogs. What gives? You sure are tough hiding behind your computer. I'll take the high road and not make any offensive comments about you. You are welcome in advance.
I would absolutely follow up on this with the police - if for no other reason then to help the child that is touching inappropriately. It is completely obvious that this kid is being molested by someone close to her and then being told not to tell. She needs help now! Even if you think that your child is not going to be effected by this long term, you must absolutely think of the other child that is being "damaged".
As a parent whom has been through incidents like this (unfortunately) on more than one occasion, I would caution against adopting the mindset that the child doing the touching is being touched inappropriately herself. I am not saying she is or isn't. But it is unfair to the parents of either child to immediately think this is happening. Again,...I am not saying it is not happening. I have personally seen young children, toddlers in fact (2 and 3 yr olds) mimic movements and behaviours they have observed by teenagers whom have carelessly exposed these young children to rap videos that are maybe a tad risque for young eyes. We watch reality shows all the time that push the limits of what is appropriate or not, and to think that 2 or 3 year olds (let alone 5 or 6) do not 'see' or pay attention to what is going on is being ignorant on our parts. OTS you are dead wrong when you say a child doesn't know to say what is right or wrong at age 5 or 6. Ever notice a child at potty training age? The child will go somewhere in a corner (while still in diapers) and do thier thing. The reason they sperate themselves is they are ashamed. They are ashamed because they know in their tiny little hearts what they are doing is not the way it should be done. I would definitely check into the 'possibility' of something being witnessed or taught at the home of the child doing the touching, but would stop short of assuming that a child is being molested unless there is evidence. Unfortunately people reputations and lives can be ruined by false accusations, and a child of 5 or 6 saying not to tell does not neccessarily mean 'molestation' is taking place, but could mean that the 5 or 6 year old has a conscience, and has been taught right and wrong, but may have witnessed their parents, or a brother or sister doing 'adult things' and have been told by them, to not do this. Either way,...I'd maybe want to investigate somewhat, or talk to the police, but it is unfair to assume someone is being molested because they've said don't tell anyone. If this was an older child or adult,...that is different. Before everyone jumps on the bash me bandwagon, I am speaking from the experience of working closely with young children and foster children whom have been in several similar (albeit different with each individual) situations before. A child not wanting anyone to know about innapropriate behaviour is not always a sign of something being done to them, but more often a sign that they know they are doing something they shouldn't be doing, and have been taught not to copy or behave in this manner.
Read Protecting the Gift by Gavin DeBecker. It is the most empowering book on this subject! My thoughts are that the inappropriate touching is the result of something...it does not have to be this girl's parents, it might be older kids in the neighborhood or a family in which the little girl is allowed to visit. Someone needs to talk to her parents and make them aware of the situation. I see two victims here...both children have the right to be safe and to learn about appropriate touching and that they have the right to say, NO! or I will tell!
I am with those that are very concerned. When I was little I was babysat by a woman that my family trusted. I was about four or five, they had a son that was the same age (I am a woman despite that little man that's posted...I didn't know how to change it) ANYWAY, he touched me in ways that were not appropriate and at the time I was too young to REALLY know what was happening, I think at the time I had those feelings of "excitement" as we do often as adults. But when I actually realized what was happening...(middle school years) I became traumatized by it. I think that is has somehow changed who I am as a person. I have a "physical bubble" more so than most people...don't like random people touching me, even a friendly hug etc. When others were saying that they think that maybe the other little girl is being abused at home, I think that this may be true. This little boy was very sexually agressive, beyond the point of playing doctor. I now have two kids of my own and worry greatly about their "curiosity"...it creeps me out...lacking a better word. I don't want my kids to ever go through that point of curiosity. I am glad that the school called. I wish I could have told my parents, but I thought they would think I was "dirty". My advice to you is to keep the girls apart and talk with your daughter...tell her that what happened was wrong and she's not to blame, let her know too that she is a "good girl"...I know it sounds cliche, but it's important for them to hear. And you're right too...both children are victims.
When one of our sons was three, his girl cousin started acting out with inappropriate sexully based behavior. We at first did not think anything of it-at first it involved minimal touching-but it unerved us...we did talk to our son about innapropriate behaviors and told him what he could and should do when experiencing this type of thing. I talked to her Mother and granmother- I wish I had gone to Human services...because other hauntingly weird behaviors happened later and it turned out that she was being sexually abused by her mother's crack head boyfriend. None of us wants to believe that this type of thing is happening...my son in the end was not "hurt or affected" by these experiences...but she-the cousin was...she is still a mess after years of counciling. I would say-definately have someone who knows what they are doing investigate...we could have saved her months of degradation in her young life...she was only 5.
I agree with most of the comments here. Judging by what is being described here, especially with the "don't tell anyone" comments, I believe that the other child doing the inappropriate touching is being abused at home or has witnessed this type of abuse at home. This is a learned behavior. Perhaps HSD should be looking into the other child's home life for possible abuse. Local Dad-I wish you the best in dealing with the situation. Keep communicating with your daughter. The school needs to continue keeping the girls apart. But the other girl's home should be looked into, because there is something most definitely wrong there.
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