The Journal Times Online - Racine, Wisconsin

Unintended Consequences

Dateline: 07/07/2015

“It’s just not fair”, commented Ficus Jones, President of P.E.T.A. (Plants Enduring Toxic Atmospheres). “The humans are clearly waging a war of life and death. We supply them with oxygen and how do they repay us?” The auditorium exploded with applause when, at the fourth annual conference on Global Carbon Level Change in Manchester opened on Monday night.

Ever since the second Kyoto Accord was enacted, the Ficus family has witnessed the death of relatives all over the world from South Africa to Greenland to Indonesia to the Jersey shore. A total of 8.3 million family members world wide have been devastated by the carbon drought. And the Ficus family is not the only family that has seen the devastating effects of man’s environmental meddling. The Conifers have seen 6.7 million disappear from their ranks. The Banyans have lost two thirds of its population throughout the south Pacific alone. “If the carbon drought continues, we will be denied our sentient status on the evolutionary scale. We will not be denied our God given rights!” said Todd Banyan, owner of Mites and Things. “The humans don’t understand what they have done nor do they care. It’s a problem I feel down deep in my roots.” Todd, whose wife Lacey, has four bulbs to look after and whose wife is about to bud, commented, “In these tough times we must learn to conserve as much oxygen as we can to suffocate our enemy. It’s too difficult to try to take them over when they are depriving us of our only means of breathing.”

When asked what the best course of action should be to resolve this issue, human president, Algore said, “This truth is inconvenient so I can not answer at this time.” Press secretary David Axelrod, commented in a recent press conference that “Carbon emissions are down 47% and project they will fall another 7% by the end of the year.” When asked his opinion of this statement, Ficus replied, “54% of our carbon is gone. Wonderful. That Axelrod is no Axel Rose” referring to Ficus’s revolutionary uncle who, along with his wife Rosa Sharon, his cousin Virginia and father Scotch Rose took gardens by storm back in the 1980s.